Where does confidence come from?  How do we determine what is and is not important in our lives?  Who helps us to be the best people we can be?  What contributes to making us feel safe and secure in our homes, schools, and community?  How can we raise children who feel empowered to take responsibility for their education as a means to becoming happy and successful adults?  Whew!  These are big questions.  I have a hunch that the answers are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and influence the way we interact with the people around us, regardless of whether we are a child or an adult.

Some folks have the notion that we get our self-esteem from other people.  While I agree that the people around us may influence the way we think about ourselves, I suspect the real roots of self-confidence and a feeling of worthiness are born in feeling safe emotionally and physically, having a sense of identity, purpose, and competence; and feeling assured that we “belong.” Here are a few ways that parents can influence the development of a positive sense of self in children:

Security: Value respectful behavior.  Notice, and comment when your child shows courtesy and respect for others.  Model such behavior in dealing with others, and expect it in return.  Help kids to realize that just as they deserve to feel safe and secure, they are obligated to make sure they do nothing that makes another person feel unsafe.

Identity: Encourage experiences that your son or daughter expresses interest in, even if he/she does not immediately have success with it.  While it’s great to uncover strengths and discover that you are really good at something, it is also rewarding to learn how to accommodate for shortcomings.

Purpose:  Help your child set goals, define dreams and take steps towards them.  Children who experience personal change by setting goals and moving towards them realize that they have power over their surroundings and control in their lives.

Competence:  Recognize and reinforce good choices to help kids know that they have done the right thing.  Pointing out instances when children have had an impact on others, or changes that have occurred as a result of their suggestions, initiative, or effort is a powerful reinforcement.  Making a difference in other people’s lives, makes a difference in the way you feel about your own.

Belonging: Remind your son or daughter that they are not alone.  Help him/her take on responsibilities that contribute to the well being of the family, special interest group/organization, class, school, or community in order to connect them in a positive way to other people.